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| So i know it has been a freaking long time since i updated. A lot has happened since then too but i never have time to update. So as most of you know that are reading this today is my birthday!!! Well it could have been a better day without it. I want so much for the people around me to care but it never seems to happen that way. It would have made a world of difference to have my parents here today but they had a really busy weekend. So instead this weekend I have spent most of it in my room doing homework. Hooray!!! My really good friend doesn't have any money because she is in college without any support from home so we could really do anything but may after she gets paid we can go out and celebrate both of our birthdays at once. Secretly i hoped that tonight during our RC party the girls would surprise me for my birthday. I don't think that is going to happen though. My girls definitely didn't do anything. It just hasn't been a special day. It hasn't been a bad day just not special. I know I sound depressed and sad for the most part it is true. I just wanted this to be a special day and it wasn't nor will it be. I am in my room by myself in bed getting ready to do homework that isn't due til next week because i am lame. I thought about going to dinner but it would be by myself. Oh well I guess that is what i get for being a college student with no life and not many friends. WEll instead of sulking some more i am done. I will talk to you sooner than later this time.
Josie | | |
| Sometimes pain runs so deep that it begins to affect your viewpoint on life. Maybe one day you look at life half full and the next half empty. I tend to think the glass as half empty but right now i see it as half empty but i don't want to be full. Today in a conversation with my mother i realized how bitter i am at life. God has really blessed me with so much but the pain I am experiencing blinds and hinders me from experiencing God's blessings. I was reading in scripture about how God sends certain people in our lives to teach and comfort us through these painful moments in life. We this verse in mind I began to mentally prepare myself for the break ahead. I have not been looking forward to break as some might think. The only reason I am thankful for Thanksgiving break is so i can relaxing and not go to school for 3 class days. Those reading this might think how awful this sounds that a christian would not be excited and to be thankful about family, friends, and food. The three big F's of thanksgiving. Well for me thanksgiving always looks different because I am not on good terms with the family, I do not have have many strong friendship, and I HATE THE FOOD!! So when i look at thanksgiving i see it as a time that i have to work to make money that i don't make now, being able to see my boyfriend, and relax for the stress of school that totally overwhelms me. Right now as i am sitting in my room writing this message the bitter cold feeling in my room reminds me of my emotions. The cold is piercing to the skin and body just like pain and hurt pierce the heart. The bitterness within it reminds me of my spirit toward the things around me, evening thanksgiving and christmas. Most of the emotion i experience with holidays is not only because of my heart condition but because of bad past experiences. In Adolescent Development i have began to learn and realize that those emotions that occur in our childhood shape the way we view instances in our adulthood. As a child i remember writing in my journal about how terrible christmas and thanksgiving are. My family never tends to get along when we are all in the same house. Well holidays are the worst because we are all together in tight quarters. My mom and I fight while her and her mom fight, while my aunt tries to be the peacemaker. Then my brother and my dad fight while my grandpa threatens to leave because he doesn't want to have thanksgiving with everyone fighting. Doesn't this sound like everyone dream thanksgiving and christmas, well at my house this is how it is. My dad doesn't like christmas so when it comes to decorating the tree he won't help well i am strong believer in the father setting the mood of the household. Well as always my family wants to decorate the tree on saturday and this year i don't want any part of it. I have always disliked decorating the tree because my mom has always made me. For once in my life all i want to do is not to be demanded to be involved in family activites. I want to grow to love being with family and desire to be with family instead of being forced to keep it together by my mom. This semester had been EXTREMELY TERRIBLE for me and all i want to do is nothing over break. It might even be hard for me to leave my house until my family gets on my nerves and then it will be hard for me to be at home. I sometimes wish i had an apartment in Greenville because i would not go home for thanksgiving, and next year i probably won't instead i will just work. I think it will be a nice break and good for me to experience thanksgiving without to grow to appreciate family. I hate that my family sees sitting in the same room as spending time together because yesterday i had a terrible headache and wanted to be left alone. My mother insisted that if my room was not clean i was going to be a disappointment to the whole family so i cleaned it. Which today i get a call from her telling me that although i came home this weekend i didn't spend anytime with them and they are sick of me coming home and sitting on the couch. Well i have news for them if i go home then i want to be left alone or i am willing to do something but i am not going to sit in their room to watch tv when i could be enjoying alone relaxing time. Now that i have said way to much about myself which is really selfish of me i am going to stop. I know that life is not about us but about living for others but i am discovering that by not taking time for yourself you end up hating life and not wanting to continue. For most you this my come as a shock but i have a lot of problems with wanting to give up in life. Right now when things are hard and there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel it seems like the best answer, but i know it is not. Please pray for me as I head home wednesday that things will go smoothly. And as for this hurt it will still remain until God and I are able to heal it. I pray that God will allow me to grow through the hurt but to view life less negatively this holiday season. Love ya!! Leave a comment to let me know you are praying for me as i deal with some major negative stuff in my heart!!
Joey
PS FINK IS THE COOLEST FRESHMAN EVER AND AN HONORARY RC!!!! | | |
| have you ever just longed to be with the person that you love the most because he seems to make the whole world fade away. Right now i want the whole world to fade away for us!! Oh well as we all now life must continue!!! Sick of school so leave me message to help distract because i feel way too focused!!! I have papers done three weeks ahead of time instead of doing what needs to get done!! WELL i will say more later!! | | |
| Life is sometimes confusing but at the same time that confusion is what develops us into who we are suppose to be. There are so many situations in life that occur which allows us to find those parts of our lives that need change and work. Life has a tendency to throw these situations at without warning they are usually highly uncomfortable to swallow. When these situations become apparent in our lives sometimes we avoid them but i usually run right through them. The situations in my life right now have all ended in so many different ways. Most of the time they have seemed to end in a way that i was pleased. Those results that have ended in pleasant ways i am ever grateful because it is evident that God came through to encourage me in the things that i am doing right. Then there have been other situations that have ended in ways that are unexpected. Sudden permenant results that can never be reversed. This semester i am slowly discovering that the decisions made cannot be erased done over. What is done is done!! That simple idea should encourage us to make our decision with tender steps. I have made so many hasty decision in my life and I continue to make them everyday. This is really discouraging when I am looking my life to see where I have grown and changed. When I look at my past I see a consistency of mistakes that I want to change and never have. These thoughts of growth and becoming more of the Christian I should and need to be comsume my life. Which in a way they should but usually they are overwhelming and distracting.
Another thing in life that is always hard and confusing and only sometimes rewarding is relationships. Relationship are hard. I am discovering that having fewer strong relationships is easier than having a lot of hot and cold relationships. As an RC I am encouraged to desire to have know what kind of relationship I hold with my girls and while learning about those relationship I began to understand more about my close relationships around me. As I looked at my own relationships I discovered that I had a lot of relationships without a strong foundation. I also discovered that as the semester went on God slowly began to pluck out those relationships that were keeping me from being all of who he wants me to be. Those relationships still continue to help me grow as God plucked them out, but I am able to become even more of who Gods wants me to be without those relationships. Once God takes something away he replaces it with something better that is better for my growth and development. As friendships come and go it is always evident that God knows what he is doing. God is always faithful in making sure we are staying on the straight and narrow road as he whips us into the people he desires for us become.
I will write more later about some other cool things in life but just so you know I now have a magnificient boyfriend that loves me a whole lot. He is very dear to my heart and I love him too.
PS: SHAYWA ROXS!!!
JOEY | | |
| hey,
I thought that this week would be really boring since no one is around, but Taura and I have taken this opportunity to make new friends and to be become better friends ourselves. Well it has turned out to be a great success!! We have met these guys to hang out with and we always have a good time at their off Campus house. These past two nights we have looked at the stars on the roof, watched a really strange movie, watched all of these really funny online videos, and played an amazing game of mario kart. We have had a blast!! They have such a comfy homey place to hang out at!! We have decided that that is where the parties (LOL) will be this year. They are trying to get a zip slide to get off the roof, a tree house and a fire pit!! I am sad that i didn't get to go to Walkabout but i am happy that God has provided me with some amazing friends for us to hang out with. We have the best time together. I hope we all continue to hang out and be good friends throughout the year!!
ANYWAYS My life has been crazy full of a lot of emotions!! My mind is really getting me down about not having someone to be with!! Last night as I was laying on the roof and look at the stars there wasn't really anyone directly beside me so i began to talk to God!!! I began to ask him when i would finally meet someone that i could date or be with!! I began to ask if it was such a difficult request to want someone to be with!! I really enjoy spending my day with someone and sharing things with them!! My best friend has been that for me for so long but it is beginning to come to a point where i just want to be pursued held loved!! i keep asking myself what is wrong with me or what am i doing wrong but i can't quite pin point it!! I love having guy friends and my desire is to be friends with a guy before i date them but i am beginning to become very impatient. I am sorry if I sound pathetic, but it hurts to be completely rejected by guy after guy after guy and my roommate can have anyone she walks up to!! It makes me so sad and sick!! It is kind of amazing though because this morning when i did my devotion it was about not worrying about tomorrow!! God really knocked me in my place!! I shouldn't be worrying about when and what God will do about my singleness!! I now just need to continue to wait!! I am praying that God will allow me to meet someone this year, but we will just have to continue to wait and see!! I get kind of sad and jealous to hear how special Ezra is to LB. It is not a jealousy like I want Ezra but i want someone in my life that respects me and wants to spend time with me and talk to me like Ezra does to LB!! That relationship is so God centered that it makes it so special and unique!! That is what i want!!
Well my hall is beginning to look so great!! i am so excited things are going to be so cute!! I am ready to have girls on my floor and a roommate in my room!! Taura and I are having such a good time I am so thankful that God has allowed us to become better friends!! She is such a special girl it is so cool to see God working through her life and I am so glad to have her in the hall next to me!!
I already miss some of my summer lifestyle!! I miss getting to go to bed at nine o'clock and talk to my friends all night!! Now i am out so late hanging out that i feel like i do not have as much time for them cause i can't talk to them during the day!! I feel so bad!! One of the biggest reasons i feel so bad is because i feel like i am treating them the same way someone i know is treating me!! I am praying that i fix this problem because i want them to know that they are very special to me and I wouldn't be the person i am without them!! I miss them all terribly i just wished they lived closer or on campus so we could hang out in person instead of just talking on the phone!! Well i miss you all I know that this has been a long blog but i needed to get some things out of my head!! I might do this again soon because there is a lot going on in my mind right now!! Talk to you all real soon!! You all should leave comments so i can feel special!! Love ya!!
Joey | | |
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